Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Life is so much better after having sex.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
