I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
