1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Randomize
