and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I faked an abortion last night.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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