Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
