This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
