the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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