New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
