FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
