I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
