So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
