Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
