I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
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Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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