She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
