Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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