Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
