I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
