plz talk dirty to me
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
