Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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