I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
