he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
