my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
No subtext here. People are naked.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
