My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
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and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
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Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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