Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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