my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
