I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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