All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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