My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
