so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
false alarm, still single
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
