I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm getting married
To pizza
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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