I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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