So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
