You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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