I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
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I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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