i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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