it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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