Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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