i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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