She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
