After last night, I could never be a politician.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
