I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
