and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
