the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize