I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
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I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
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There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work