At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She's the barista slut.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.