The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER