and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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