My sheets look like a crime scene.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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