i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
