Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
