remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you