so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."