we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
