You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.