He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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