I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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