Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
