I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Everclear isn't food dammit
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
