I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
