Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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