the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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