I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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