she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
