i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
