I've blown a few things in my day
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
