I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
