Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
