trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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